Which will you choose??

Tonight I'm going to let you pick your own adventure. Sorta like those old books from when you were a kid.

Before we embark on this particular literary adventure, I must warn you that the content isn't suitable for all readers. Specifically, If you're easily offended or grossed out or perhaps you don't see the humor in ' bowel based' humor, then I highly suggest you move on about you're day and forget about this particular post.

You have been warned ...

So it begins:
Picture yourself sitting at a crappy little cafe in Chiang Mai. The eating area is located in a garage type structure and there are perhaps 30 other people there with you. You're seated at a tiny picnic table, looking at a wall. Your wife (in this case it's the lovely Carolyn Blue) is seated to your immediate left but she has the wall on her left side. You've just met an extremely wonderful couple from Canada and are getting along like gang-busters with them. Conversation is flowing like bud light during the super bowl. Grand times indeed!

Now imagine a giant bubble under the water. Now imagine several of these bubbles floating to the top, popping, moving, etc etc etc. have a good picture? Ok now imagine these bubbles in your belly. Not too large and not too noisy, but they're causing an increased sensation of pressure in the belly area. The scene at this point looks like this: Canadian couple on your right, wife on your left. Wife is actively engaged in conversation, about 1/4 through a story. The bubbles are forming and the pressure is mounting. What do you do?

A) politely ask your wife for the room key and quickly excuse yourself.

B) ignore the pressure and stay in your seat.

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Choices:

A) if this was your choice then congratulations, you win. Oh and you're unbelievably boring as well. Or maybe you're more in tune with your body. Either way you're done. Please proceed to the very bottom of this post where you can laugh at someone else's misfortune.

B) You chose to sit it out. Good choice! This bubbling feeling has to pass very soon. The conversation keeps on. The pressure begins to increase. Slightly at first .... Ever so slightly. But with every syllable spoken in conversation, the pressure turns more and more into cramping. Painful cramping. You squirm a little hoping that will ease our stomach. No dice. Your thoughts drift away from the conversation towards the bathroom. How far is your room? How quickly can you get there? Are there any obstacles in the way?? What do you do?

A) politely ask your wife for the room key and quickly excuse yourself.

B) ignore the increasing pressure / pain and stay in your seat.

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Choices:

A) if this was your choice then congratulations, you win. You're not as boring as the squares who chose 'A' in the first round but you're still a yawner. Please proceed to the very bottom of this post where you can laugh at someone else's misfortune.

B) you're very confident in your power over your body. Even when faced with overwhelming odds. The pressure / pain has now become a full on 17 alarm emergency. You desperately try to hang on to the conversation but thoughts are now focused on contingency planning: where is the nearest bathroom? How can I excuse myself from the conversion without raising suspicion? Will I make it? Your body has now entered complete survival mode. All energy is now focused on the catastrophe raging in your belly. What do you do???


A) snatch your wife's bag (which holds your room key and certain relief) and bolt from the table, throwing some money down for the meal.

B) remain seated, praying to the heavens above that the conversation will end soon. You'll immediately make a mad dash for your room at that time.

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Choices:

A) if this was your choice then congratulations, you win. You're clearly a very smart cookie with a healthy dose of risk and bravery thrown in for good measure. Proceed to the end of this post where you can giggle at someone else's poor decision making abilities.

B) if this was your choice, pick up the phone and schedule a Dr's appointment as soon as possible. You need a head check ASAP. I mean who would ignore all the signs clearly pointing to a severe blow out? Well you chose it so you have to live with it. Looking left at your wife you realize that her mouth is moving but you can't hear the words. You look right and see more mouths moving but no sound. Sweat is now pouring down your face and you notice a certain discomfort in your belly area. The world seems a little fuzzy now and the pressure you used to feel is now like a knot in the pit of your stomach. You wonder to yourself: 'did someone give me a round-house kick to the belly and I missed it????' The world is swirling around you, legs are trembling and where sweat was once pouring has now literally become a waterfall all over your body. Your brain sensing the end is near shuts down non-essential body functions such as hearing, speaking and probably facial hair growth. All energy is now fully devoted to holding back the awful tide which is pounding at the gate. Ever see those movies where time seems to slow down when something awful is happening and the hero can make split second life-Saving decisions with unnatural clarity? That is not happening right now. Nothing is slowing down AT ALL. It is at this moment when it hits you. That fight or flight type situation. You're about to explode and the results will be horrendous. In a last gasp effort you think 'maybe the restaurant has a bathroom!' Immediately you jump up and jog towards the back asking the owner where the bathroom is. You don't hear his response because the situation has just gotten 'real.' the jog turns into a run as you turn a corner thinking to yourself that as long as you find an open space you should have enough time to drop your pants before the meltdown. Turning the corner you see the heavens open up, a unicorn gallops past and a sweet baby cherub is sitting about 50 meters away in front of .... A BATHROOM!!!!!!! You break into a full on Olympic sprint. 25 meters into this survival race you loose control. Things are erupting but you don't loose sight of the prize. You pass a small Thai lady washing dishes who looks at you like you've just emerged from a sewer. Reaching the bathroom is only the start of a new race ... Getting your pants off before any more damage is done. You win the struggle and relief is painful but sweet. You've just survived certain destruction and are very happy with yourself until you look for toilet paper. Nothing. Not even the last little smudge of toilet paper that seems to hang onto the cardboard roll thingy. Isn't this just great. Luckily the wonderful Thai people installed a garden hose in the bathroom just for me. You emerge victorious about 20 minutes later with a giant smile on your face and a realization that you just aren't that in control of your body.

All things considered, had a great day yesterday. I'll put a normal post up later with more family friendly info.